Monthly Archives: March 2017

sibling rivalry, aging parents

Sibling Rivalry and Aging Parents: 5 Tips to Keep the Peace

Aging Parents, Sibling Relationship,

Often when adult siblings receive a crisis alert that elderly Mom or Dad is sick, it is common for old roles and competitiveness to flare. How quickly an adult child can revert into acting like a kid when siblings get together. There is just something about being with brothers and sisters that can send you into time travel, from age 45 to age 5 in a snap, and subsequently, from mature to immature.  

Sibling Rivalry, Aging Parents, and Running the Emotional Gauntlet

by Vivian McLaurin, BA – Aging Life Care Association® Member

 

Sibling rivalry, also known as competition between sisters and brothers for a parent’s attention, may change over time. Unique relationships can strengthen or weaken on the road from childhood to adulthood. Physical and emotional distances offer adult siblings new opportunities to develop respectful, loving, caring relationships. Sometimes though, a few embers of competitiveness or jealousy burn low.

Birth order can create lifelong labels that defy age, education, and experience. With that status often come a pre-defined set of roles. As Jane Mersky Leder wrote: “our siblings push buttons that cast us in roles we felt sure we had let go of long ago — the baby, the peacekeeper, the caretaker, the avoider. It doesn’t seem to matter how much time has elapsed or how far we’ve traveled.”  

Family dynamics are a powerful force, and when combined with the stress and fear of losing a parent, can launch (or re-ignite) sibling feuds and hurt. How adult children navigate the stormy times with older or younger sibling depends on many factors including his or her own support system, self-awareness, dedication to a greater good, and emotional maturity — easy to say, hard to implement, and perhaps challenging to stay the course.

Aging parents play a leading role in sibling dynamics. However, it is neither wise nor fair to count on Mom or Dad to mediate their grown-up children’s feuds. Adult children need to acknowledge that they may not have had the perfect childhood or the perfect parents. Be aware of the possibility of pitting one child against another, manipulation, and the age-old comparison game.

How can siblings work together during their parent’s aging journey?

1. Hope for the best and expect less – less in terms of personal recognition, equity, fame, glory, money, family heirlooms, etc. Aim for selflessness; it is a good look on everyone.

2. Respect legal and fiduciary assignments that parents have executed via power of attorney documents, wills, trusts, HIPAA release authorizations, etc. whether you personally agree or not. Decision-making authority and money are two topics that can stir conflict in the best of families. If your parent has not made his wishes clear by executing written advance directives, consult an attorney so your parent can put these essential documents in place.

3. Jobs for everyone! Help your siblings and yourself by looking at the tasks that must be accomplished. Match those tasks with individual strengths. Instead of forcing your brother to stay at the hospital with Mom when everyone knows that he is squeamish, ask him to mow the grass or hire a housekeeper.

If you and your siblings cannot reach consensus quickly, phone a friend or a pastor or a family elder or an Aging Life Care Professional® – someone that can help you make assignments without starting a family squabble.

4. Practice self-care. It is hard to drink from an empty glass. Stress, anxiety, fear are ingredients for a perfect sibling storm. If you are a long-distance adult child or if parental love is not the common denominator in your family, send a proxy. Professional care managers are trained to facilitate during a crisis. Aging Life Care Professionals often serve as a “surrogate” sibling and can become the glue that holds the family together through the crisis.

5. Now is not the time. An aging parent emergency is not necessarily the time to give in to family dysfunction. Even if a parent or sibling is on your last nerve, walk (or run) away from that scene.

The common ground may be love for your parent. Meet there. Even if it’s true that your brother always received more attention, gifts, love, etc., it is bad form to expect your parent to balance the scales during a health crisis.

“The principle needs to be this: Whatever the reasons for your feelings you will have to find civilized solutions.” – Selma Fraiburg

About the author: Vivian McLaurin is a care manager with Preferred Living Solutions in the Raleigh-Durham, NC area. Quality care for older adults, support for family caregivers and aging in America are personal passions for Vivian. She has worked with the aging population since 2013 and as a family caregiver most of her adult life. Vivian serves as a facilitator for an Alzheimer’s and other dementia caregivers support group in Cary, NC. She can be reached at vivian@preferredlivingsolutions.com or on Facebook.

This blog is for informational purposes only and does not constitute, nor is it intended to be a substitute for, professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Information on this blog does not necessarily reflect official positions of the Aging Life Care Association® and is provided “as is” without warranty. Always consult with a qualified professional with any particular questions you may have regarding your or a family member’s needs.

Living with Traumatic Brain Injury

March is Brain Injury Awareness Month

Aging Life Care Professionals, Traumatic Brain Injury,

March is Brain Injury Awareness Month and according to the Brain Injury Association of American, at least 5.3 million Americans live with Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) related disabilities. #NotAloneinBrainInjury

Find Help Adjusting to Life with a TBI

As part of Brain Injury Awareness Month, ALCA is sharing the results of a survey that takes a closer look at cases of TBI being managed by Aging Life Care Professionals. The survey of aging experts  illustrates the prevalence and causes of TBI among the aging population and identifies the challenges associated with their care.

Sixty-three percent of surveyed Aging Life Care Professionals™ said their caseloads include individuals with TBI. Although Aging Life Care™ experts typically care for aging adults, the survey revealed that at least one provides services for a nine-year-old child. The majority of cases (96%) included adults in the 41-80 age range. The overwhelming cause of these injuries was falls (52%) and auto accidents (51%). Other causes included other accidental blunt trauma (28%), sports-related injury (8%), and violence (7%).

The strategies for treatment most in demand from clients, according to those participating in the survey included:

  • Advocacy
  • stress relief for family
  • therapy/support

Ranked closely behind:

  • assistance with placement (i.e. nursing home, assisted living, memory care)
  • communications
  • stress relief for families
  • financial planning
  • managing the relationship role changes

Aging Life Care Professionals also collaborate with other professionals in caring for TBI clients, primarily physicians and physical, occupational, or speech therapists. Also consulted were neuropsychologists, attorneys, caregiver agencies, and mental health providers.

The biggest challenge for families whose loved one has suffered a TBI was overwhelmingly identified as issues relating to behavior changes and accepting the “new person,” a “new personality, a “new normal.” One respondent identified it as, “The loss of role of the person who used to be more capable … and the strain of the ongoing demise of the person.” This type of loss has been called an “ambiguous loss” (a term coined by family therapist and author Pauline Boss). It means “having the person’s physical presence but psychological absence. The person is there, but emotionally or cognitively missing.”

“Aging Life Care Professionals know the local resources and specialists that can help TBI patients find a ‘new normal’,” says Dianne McGraw, Aging Life Care Manager. “From coordinating services to offering caregiving coaching, we give families the tools they need to live an optimal life.”

If you need help navigating care options or need strategies to manage the adjustments to daily life, find an Aging Life Care™ expert near you at aginglifecare.org.

This blog is for informational purposes only and does not constitute, nor is it intended to be a substitute for, professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Information on this blog does not necessarily reflect official positions of the Aging Life Care Association™ and is provided “as is” without warranty. Always consult with a qualified professional with any particular questions you may have regarding your or a family member’s needs.

My parent is dying

Managing the Death of a Parent – A Guide from the Experts in Aging Well

Aging Parents, End of Life Care,

When we we talk about coping with the loss of a parent, most often it is in the context of dealing with life after a parent dies. But what about managing the death of a parent and how to help them during the process? Start with this help from the experts in aging well. 

My Parent is Dying, How Can I Get Through This?

by Lisa Laney, MSW, CMC – Aging Life Care Association® Member

 

Our lives today seem to be getting so very complicated. Confusion and anxiety bubble up as we try to manage what had been, in history of humankind, normal and understandable life transitions.

The death of a parent is a tremendous loss and shifts us into a new life chapter — that of being more senior ourselves, regardless of our age. We feel the responsibility of making good decisions, including decisions around the care of our parent as they are dying.

Most likely you already juggle many responsibilities – your home, work, perhaps children still in the home, your own finances, and on and on. How do you take on the added responsibility of ramping up your knowledge about the foreign subject of care of the dying, while participating and guiding the most appropriate support for your parent in their last chapter?

Following are some “to-do’s” and questions to consider – a toolkit of sorts.
  • Consider professional assistance. Know, first, that employing an adjunct who is an experienced professional will provide you with reassurance as the journey continues. The care of a loved one involves many turns in the river and there is no prescribed one-size-fits all process. An Aging Life Care Professional (sometimes called a geriatric care manager) can assist with unforeseen issues as they arise while also providing as a boots-on-the-ground “first responder” of sorts, or just as a consultant for you by phone should you need. Through a thorough assessment an Aging Life Care Manager can help with:
    • Securing and managing in-home care providers
    • Obtaining necessary durable medical equipment
    • Determining if any home modifications are needed
  • Learn the difference between Palliative Care and Hospice Care. Don’t hesitate obtaining the appropriate service for your parent. Some areas have multiple providers, so do your homework.
  • Research the diagnosis of your parent. For example, if it is Congestive Heart Failure, ask the physician what to expect and read materials about the course of this disease. How We Die by Sherwin B. Nuland is a good read in this realm. Don’t be afraid. To learn the expected process of the disease allows you to prepare yourself (and your parent) for the upcoming needs.
  • Have detailed conversations with your parent about what they do or do not want at the end of their life. Questions to ask:
    • To die at home?
    • To die in a hospice facility?
    • To be alert or if pain medicines are required to be medicated even if it means they are less alert?
    • Are there people they do or do not want present as they decline?
  • Ask your parent if they would agree to have your contact information on their physician’s HIPAA document so that you can have direct conversations with their doctor.
  • Consider setting up an online tool (such as http://lotsahelpinghands.com) to organize well-wishers who wish to provide tangible support.
  • Get a grasp of your parent’s finances. If they have an estate planner, make contact as this person will be of great support. Other questions to ask that help determine resources for covering costs of care and funeral expenses:
    • Does your parent have a long-term care insurance plan?
    • Was your parent a veteran?
    • Have they purchased a prepaid burial plan?
  • Consider securing a schedule of counseling visits to help you manage this upcoming loss while at the same time managing life – your own and the others who depend upon you. In this journey, taking care of your own self is just as important as caring for your parent.

An Aging Life Care Manager can provide you with direction on any or all of the above. Their knowledge of local resources and providers can greatly reduce the amount of time (and stress) you spend searching around to secure the best supports for you and your parent. This professional can also provide white glove communication between Hospice, in-home care providers, physicians, and family.

In fact, it is prudent to consider holding a Care Conference between these parties early on – and continue as needed – to assure all involved understand the vital nuances of the specific needs of your parent. The Aging Life Care Manager can serve as the facilitator for such meetings and send summary emails to the interested/involved family members as allowed by your parent.

With care and support, you can navigate and live through this difficult chapter in your life.

About the author: Lisa Laney, MSW, CMC is the owner of Mountain Premier Care Navigation in Asheville, North Carolina, and has worked with the aging population in the healthcare system since 1988. She serves as the facilitator for the Asheville Parkinson’s Support Group and is on the Board of Directors for the Aging Life Care Association.  She can be reached at lisa@premiercarenavigation.com or on Facebook. 

This blog is for informational purposes only and does not constitute, nor is it intended to be a substitute for, professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Information on this blog does not necessarily reflect official positions of the Aging Life Care Association™ and is provided “as is” without warranty. Always consult with a qualified professional with any particular questions you may have regarding your or a family member’s needs.