Monthly Archives: May 2015

sibling rivalry, aging parents

Manage Sibling Conflict When Caring for Aging Parents

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How to Manage and Overcome Sibling Conflict When Caring for Aging Parents

by Debra D. Feldman, MSW, LCSW, CMC, Aging Life Care Association Member

It is hard enough to get past your emotions when caring for your parents while trying to make the “right” decisions on their behalf. It becomes more difficult when there is adult sibling conflict.  How does a family overcome sibling conflict when caring for aging parents?

Communication is Key

When a crisis hits, siblings should come together and hold a meeting in a neutral location, a place everyone feels welcome. This meeting is most productive when siblings can find common ground in the love they feel for their parent(s) and in their collective desire to provide the best care. The siblings should prepare an agenda for the meeting and each sibling should be encouraged to share his/her opinions.

How can adult siblings manage their conflict when caring for their parents?
How can adult siblings manage their conflict when caring for their parents?
Remove Expectations

It is important to realize that some family members might not participate and that all family members may not be able to take on an equal role in caregiving responsibilities. Each sibling needs to identify what he/she can do to help and then a plan of care can be developed incorporating each family member’s availability. Avoid bringing up past sibling conflicts. Instead, focus the conversation on the situation at hand. It will likely take more than one meeting to come to a complete resolution.

Bring in a Facilitator

When there is tension, an outside, third-party facilitator may be needed to facilitate a family meeting. This provides for a neutral, objective, and less emotional opinion. The facilitator can help make sure all siblings are heard during the meeting and can help develop an appropriate care plan that includes input from all parties.

This objective participant can be a member of the clergy, a social worker, or another professional who specializes in the field of aging such as an Aging Life Care Professional™. An Aging Life Care Professional – also known as a geriatric care manager – has specific expertise in the care of older adults. This expert is able to provide education and resources, as well as outline the various care options available to the family. In the end, the Aging Life Care Professional can help the family develop and implement an appropriate and affordable plan of care.

For more information on elder mediation, read this recent article in the Your Money section of the New York Times – “Strengthening Troubled Sibling Bonds to Deal With an Aging Parent.”

Plan Ahead

Having a conversation between parents and adult children well in advance of a crisis can help avoid or reduce sibling conflict. When parents are healthy, they should talk to their children about their wishes regarding their future health care. The conversation should include areas of concern such as organ donation, kidney dialysis, artificial nutrition and hydration, cardiopulmonary resuscitation and use of artificial ventilators. The talk should also include discussion regarding their living environment as well as their wishes concerning their funerals. All of this information should be put in writing at the time of that talk.

Parents should also discuss with their children how they plan to finance their long-term care. Additionally, legal documents such as a Power of Attorney for Health Care and for Property should be executed with an Elder Law attorney and the identified representatives should be notified of their roles. This information should be shared with all children to avoid conflict.

When parents share their wishes ahead of time, adult children don’t have to make these health care choices blindly. Instead, the children have a written guide, provided by their parents, that takes the guesswork out of caregiving and end-of-life decision-making.

To find an Aging Life Care Professional to work with in your area, use this Find an Aging Life Care Expert tool.

About the author: Debra Feldman has 27 years of experience in Aging Life Care Management and is owner of Debra D. Feldman & Associates, Ltd. in Buffalo Grove, Illinois. Email Debra at feldman.debra@comcast.net and visit her website at ddfcaremanagement.com

This blog is for informational purposes only and does not constitute, nor is it intended to be a substitute for, professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Information on this blog does not necessarily reflect official positions of the Aging Life Care Association™ and is provided “as is” without warranty. Always consult with a qualified professional with any particular questions you may have regarding your or a family member’s needs.

 

The Experts in Aging Well

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At the recent Aging Life Care Association™ Annual Conference, members shared examples of the broad range of skills and services Aging Life Care Professionals™ employ when working with clients.

Here, ALCA Member Amy O’Rourke, MPH, NHA, CMC shares how she thinks creatively on the spot to help her clients feel comfortable and accepting of  Aging Life Care™ services.

WHAT IS AGING LIFE CARE™?

Aging Life Care / geriatric care management is a holistic, client-centered approach to caring for older adults or others facing ongoing health challenges. Working with families, the expertise of Aging Life Care Professionals provides the answers at a time of uncertainty. Their guidance leads families to the actions and decisions that ensure quality care and an optimal life for those they love, thus reducing worry, stress and time off of work for family caregivers through:

  • Assessment and monitoring
  • Planning and problem-solving
  • Education and advocacy
  • Family caregiver coaching
  • Long-distance caregiving

Aging Life Care Professionals are engaged to assist in a variety of areas, such as:

  • Housing – helping families evaluate and select appropriate level of housing or residential options
  • Home care services – determining types of services that are right for a client and assisting the family to engage and monitor those services
  • Medical management – attending doctor appointments, facilitating communication between doctor, client, and family, and if appropriate, monitoring client’s adherence to medical orders and instructions
  • Communication – keeping family members and professionals informed as to the well-being and changing needs of the client
  • Social activities – providing opportunity for client to engage in social, recreational, or cultural activities that enrich the quality of life
  • Legal – referring to or consulting with an elder law attorney; providing expert opinion for courts in determining level of care
  • Financial – may include reviewing or overseeing bill paying or consulting with accountant or client’s Power of Attorney
  • Entitlements – providing information on Federal and state entitlements; connecting families to local programs
  • Safety and security – monitoring the client at home; recommending technologies to add to security or safety; observing changes and potential risks of exploitation or abuse
  • Long-distance care – coordinating the care of a loved one for families that live at a distance; including crisis management

Local, cost-effective resources are identified and engaged as needed. A care plan tailored for each individual’s circumstances is prepared after a comprehensive assessment. The plan may be modified, in consultation with client and family, as circumstances change.

Connect with an Aging Life Care Expert today to learn more.

long-distance caregivers

10 Things to Know about Your Aging Parents

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By Trish Colucci, RN-BC, CCM – Aging Life Care Association™ Member

Caring for aging parents is never easy, but being prepared for the most common problems and knowing where to go for help, can prove invaluable.

So many issues crop up in the aging process: health issues, safety issues, and memory issues to name just a few. While the following list can’t cover everything you might face, it gives you an idea of the most common issues you need to know about your aging parents:

Caring for an aging parent can be both challenging and rewarding.
Caring for an aging parent can be both challenging and rewarding.
1. Sensory changes, such as poor eyesight or difficulty hearing can greatly impact your parent’s safety.

Regular ophthalmology visits monitor visual issues such as macular degeneration, glaucoma, and cataracts. All of these conditions can be treated if caught early and if closely monitored. Annual hearing check-ups can assess the need for assistive devices such as hearing aids. Maintaining the health of these senses can have a very positive impact on your parents’ safety and quality of life.

2. Setting up living spaces with as few safety obstacles as possible will help reduce risks of falls.

Simple actions like removing small area rugs, keeping floors clear of clutter, installing grab bars in the shower, and using night-lights to light the path to the bathroom at night are small details that greatly impact the safety of your loved ones in his/her own home. A fall can be a game-changer as a broken hip frequently leads to long-term placement in a care facility. Preventing falls is critical to maintaining a loved one’s good health and ability to enjoy old age in the place most familiar and comfortable surroundings.

3. An appointment with an Elder Law attorney early can save you money down the road.

Elder Law attorneys provide a great service for those who are likely to need care in the future. These professionals have specialized knowledge in the types and costs of care most often needed by older adults as they age. Elder Law attorneys provide Estate and Medicaid-planning services which, depending on the individual’s financial resources, can be set up to provide a much-needed payor source if and when the time comes.

4. An estimated 5.3 million Americans have Alzheimer’s disease in 2015.

Caring for elderly parents frequently means dealing with memory loss and dementia. It’s important for caregivers to understand that dementia frequently takes away a person’s ability to see where he/she is not functioning well. Because of this, it can prove extremely frustrating for family caregivers to get their parents to accept help.

5. There are some medications available that show clinical evidence of slowing down the progression of dementia.

While there are no cures or prevention available for dementia just yet, there are a handful of medications currently available that show evidence of slowing down the progression of symptoms, thereby preserving overall function for a longer period of time.

6. Some people with dementia develop behavior changes such as agitation and combativeness.

This can be a very difficult phenomenon to manage when caring for a loved one with dementia, but the good news is that the earlier it is assessed and diagnosed, the better the chances of getting these behaviors under control.

7. There comes a time in most adults’ lives when they should stop driving.

This is usually a sticky subject that most adult children feel uncomfortable addressing despite their concerns. Addressing the subject requires a delicate approach and is different for each person.

8. All older adults need three things to maintain a good quality of life: something to do, something to look forward to, and someone to love.

Throughout our lives, we all want to feel useful and needed. That does not change as we age. Having meaningful activities in which your parent can engage adds value to his/her day. Setting a calendar with upcoming events provides your parent something to look forward to, even if the events are not particularly grand. Even a brief visit from a loved one can bring joy and happiness that turns an otherwise ordinary day into something temporarily extraordinary. Besides love from humans, the elderly also greatly benefit from the love of an animal, even if it’s an animal that just pays a visit from time to time.

9. As a family caregiver, you need to take breaks from your caregiving duties to clear your head and refresh your energy.

My grandmother used to say, “A registered nurse can work for 8 hours a day and then needs to go home and take a break.” Following that logic, a family caregiver can’t possibly work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week without feeling the effects of what we call, “caregiver stress.” Even if it means hiring a temporary caregiver to stay with your loved one for a few hours, as a caregiver yourself you need to take a break and enjoy some respite time. Use that hard-earned time off to go to the library and read a book, hit a coffee shop and relax, meet some friends for a dinner out, take a walk around the block, or better yet, plan a weekend away to really refresh.

10. An Aging Life Care Professional™ is your single point of contact to accessing the supportive services and resources needed to address all of the issues listed above and ease your caregiving load.

Aging Life Care Professionals have collectively worked with thousands of families facing these concerns and more. They are experienced and trained to assess the situation and can quickly and efficiently identify the resources you need to tap for help and support.

If you are facing any of these issues, you don’t need to go it alone. Engage the services of a skilled Aging Life Care Professional to help you create the best possible plan of care for your aging parent. To connect with a professional in your area, visit ALCA’s Find An Aging Care Expert search.

About the author: Trish is in her tenth year of providing Aging Life Care management services and is the Founder and President of Peace Aging Life Experts, LLC in Flanders, New Jersey.  You can email Trish at trish@peaceagingcare.com or contact her through her website at www.peaceagingcare.com.

This blog is for informational purposes only and does not constitute, nor is it intended to be a substitute for, professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Information on this blog does not necessarily reflect official positions of the Aging Life Care Association™ and is provided “as is” without warranty. Always consult with a qualified professional with any particular questions you may have regarding your or a family member’s needs.