“I will never move!”
By Lisa Mayfield, MA, LMHC, GMHS, CMC – Aging Life Care Manager
Are you worried about an older adult in your life? Have you wondered if they would be safer living at a retirement community? Is this something you’ve suggested, only to be told “I will never move!”
I suspect you have tried to have a dialogue about your concerns, and it went nowhere. If you feel like you are banging your head against a wall or are finding yourself completely overwhelmed trying to juggle your work, kids, other responsibilities, while trying to assist your parents, you are not alone!
When we see changes in our parents or other older adults in our lives, it’s usually a sign that something has shifted.
Here are some signs that it may be time to consider additional support:
- Changes in personal hygiene or home maintenance
- Unopened mail, unpaid bills, financial exploitation or misspending
- Signs of depression, anxiety, increased paranoia or suspicion
- Parent unsafe driving; you worry about injury to themselves or others
- Lack of interest or involvement in activities that used to bring joy
- Noticeable weight loss
- A series of falls that do not result in injury but suspect there will be a fall with injury in the future
- Memory issues, repeated questions, forgetting appointments
- Difficulty managing or forgetting to take medication
- Refusal to go to the doctor
Striking the right balance between supporting independence and ensuring safety can be a struggle for adult children. One of the most common reasons adult children reach out to an Aging Life Care Professional® is when a parent, who obviously needs help, refuses it.
If your parents are fiercely independent and strong-willed, let’s explore some common reasons why they may be digging in their heels.
Why Your Parent Refuses Help
We live in a culture that values independence, self-sufficiency, and self-determination. This sense of independence is powerful and deeply ingrained. It could also be pride, or fear of losing privacy, or fear of losing independence and control to make their own choices and decisions.
Another common reason for resisting help or a move is that their home is familiar to them. Many have lived in their home for 40, 50, or 60 years. There are so many memories in the home. It is where they raised their kids, babysat their grandkids, and probably hosted every holiday. It is often overwhelming to think about what they are going to do with decades of accumulated possessions and sad to think about not having a home where the entire family can gather.
Pro tip: If a move is necessary, focus first on helping your parent settle into their new home with the belongings they’ll need and cherish most. You can sort through the remaining items later. Trying to manage the move and the entire household at the same time can quickly become overwhelming for everyone.
Lack of Insight
The inability to see the ways they need help is one of the most common reasons an older adult is resistant to assistance and support. The person experiencing the changes is not aware of the ways in which they are beginning to decline. Yet families continue to try reasoning and convincing, thinking if they bring it up enough times, their parents might finally relent. This lack of insight is a normal part of cognitive changes and often requires families to be creative and change their approach.
Talk About Things in the Future
Phrasing questions and conversations about what your parent would prefer in the future is one way to open a dialogue. Instead of using logic or pointing out to your mom all the things that are wrong, which quickly shuts down conversation, start with “Mom, I wonder, someday, if you were to need some help around the house, what would you want?” Use hypothetical questions like “Dad, what would you do if you decided the house was too much to maintain?”
Share a Story About a Friend’s Experience
Use a real-life example, like a parent’s friend: your mom’s best friend lost her husband recently and didn’t know the first thing about the finances or how to maintain the house. Her kids were in a scramble to help, causing a lot of undue stress and messy family dynamics. Or perhaps you have a friend who has been challenged by a parent’s declining health or expressed concerns with his dad’s driving. Frame it by asking “If that were to happen to you, what would you like us to do?”
Then Listen. Be patient.
It’s hard. These conversations take time and patience. The answers won’t come all at once either. It will take persistence and it will take more than one conversation. Keep it casual. These tough conversations are often more successful if you avoid criticizing or pointing out their problems. Ask questions in a gentle way, be present, and truly listen.
Sometimes, Aging in Place Is an Option
Not every situation requires a move to a community or other residential setting. With the right support, many older adults can continue living safely and comfortably in their own homes. Depending on their needs, this may include help with daily activities, medication management, transportation, home modifications, meal preparation, or additional in-home care.
The key is understanding what support is needed and whether it can be put in place to address safety concerns while preserving independence and quality of life. An Aging Life Care Professional can help families assess the situation, explore available resources, and develop a plan that supports the older adult’s preferences while addressing changing needs.
In some cases, aging in place may be a good option. In others, a move may eventually become necessary. The goal is to explore the possibilities and make informed decisions together, rather than assuming that moving is the only answer.
Enlist Expert Help
Aging Life Care Managers® are knowledgeable and experienced in helping families move forward with difficult conversations and next steps. We can often help families make progress more quickly than they could on their own.
We are strategic planners and advisors who work with individuals and their families to help navigate the complexities and issues that arise with changes in health and memory. An Aging Life Care Manager is in the perfect position to help you make sense of these changes and find the support, resources, and solutions you need. We can help you navigate the resistance and finally make progress.
Remember These Conversations Take Patience
When an older loved one insists, “I will never move,” it can be difficult to know how to move forward. Remember that these conversations take time, patience, and a willingness to listen. Whether the best solution is additional support at home or a move to a new living environment, the goal is to balance safety and well-being with independence, dignity, and personal choice. You don’t have to navigate these challenges alone.
About the Author: Lisa Mayfield is the founder and Principal of Aging Wisdom®, an Aging Life Care™ practice based in Seattle, WA. Trained and licensed as a Mental Health Counselor, Geriatric Mental Health Specialist, and a Certified Care Manager, Lisa brings over two decades of experience working with older adults and their families. She has been a member of the Aging Life Care Association since 2003.